Sober

I felt gross.

My mind was numb, things just seemed to happen. Everything felt hazy, conversations with people, work, games, shows. I was just lying on my bed because I had nothing to do. I should be doing something productive, I know I should, but I don't have anywhere near the amount of motivation or energy to do anything. I looked down at my phone and sighed seeing the zero notifications. It feels like I have scrolled through my phone for an endless amount of time. I never really watch anything, it just gives me something to do. My chest felt hollow, there was a void where my heart was supposed to be. This overwhelming sense of numbness was driving me insane. I just want to feel alive. I want to feel like doing something, anything. I rolled on my back and started counting dots on the ceiling. Am I missing something? Does everyone feel this way? I remember having fun, getting sad, falling in love. But that seems like ages ago, like memories that belonged to someone else. I raised my arm in the air and stared at it. I looked alive, I lowered my arm to my mouth and took a bite. I winced from the pain. It hurt, but that was about it. To be honest I don't know what I was expecting. I sighed and rolled over on my side. Maybe I'll have something to eat. Although I never really eat properly. I like the idea of food, but never eat everything I make. I eat to alleviate this oppressive feeling of indifference.

I feel isolated, alone, stuck in my world away from everyone else. Is this world worth living? Is there an end goal? Is this a way to win? Will I be able to be happy? I don't even care enough to worry about things like that. I wish I knew why I feel like this.

Oh that's right.

I'm sober.